Triphap - Funny Travel Stories and Travel Horror Stories

A Scottish English and a Welsh decide to take a trip to South East Asia to…broaden their horizons and continue to run away from reality. First me the Welsh I’m known as a “just do it” kind of girl, a little naïve and very easily impressed. Id previously spent nine months in South Africa so you’d imagine I would return with many life changing stories, No best story I came up with was ‘When I was traveling in South Africa they gave you free biscuits on the overnight bus it was Lush’

The Scottish, Well the Scottish is my boyfriend so I can’t be too mean but he’s got a history of over exaggerating his stories and experiences. For example he once told me he had a 2 year relationship with Cassie from skins but in actual fact they just went to the same primary school and once held hands as a dare in the playground. Also known for his Glaswegian temper tantrums. All in all a lovely boyfriend, friendly happy chappy who will talk to anyone.

The English, probably the most Go Getter out of the 3 of us, very opinionated slightly obsessed with self image and thrives on personal achievement but a very warm heart and will help anyone in need. I was the first to meet the English, we met in Paris where we were both due to become Tour Leaders for snobby rich kids. When trying on the uniform one of the first comments the English said to me was ‘No those trousers won’t fit you if they don’t fit me’, strangely enough our relationship grew and grew from here.

Ok so now you’ve got a little insight on whose involved let me begin my story…

24TH Nov 2010
First day in Bangkok a little jet lagged feeling a little pasty (obviously didn’t apply the Johnston’s holiday skin properly) but happy and excited to see what this famous city had to offer. It started off with a stroll to the main road to catch an overpriced taxi to any touristy part of the city where we could soak up the culture and more importantly snap up some shots to upload all over Facebook. Our stroll had hardly begun when the Scottish started to get harassed by the Thai men “Hey friend come with me I give you good price” “Hey where you go today my friend?”. It didn’t take long until he got extremely pissed off and his response turned from “No Thanks man” to “Oh just F**k off” which me and the English found very amusing.

Eventually we ended up going to Kao San Road not our first choice but on our way to the Temples we were told politely by a local man that our dress code was not appropriate, roughly translated you western girls look like sluts and won’t be welcomed in the Temples. Kao san Road is meant to be backpacker paradise well I tell you it definitely isn’t my kind of paradise. It was just one long busy road full of market stalls and 90’s pop music blasting out of every bar. Most of the tourists there were just pretentious pricks trying to ‘find themselves’. The only place they are going to find themselves is down an alley with a Lady Boy or throwing up on the side of the street.

Highlight of the day was indeed the journey back to our hostel in our first ever Tuc Tuc ride. It took a while but definitely worth it being part of the Bangkok traffic, weaving in and out with limbs flying everywhere.

We finished our day relaxing on the balcony with some Chang beers. It was quite a picture, the moon embracing the sky a candle lit street below with a mixture of Thais and tourists dining and the occasional Lady Boy strutting loudly passed with deeper voices than my dad.

Making our way down -Hua Hin
We spent near enough a week in Hua Hin, unusual for the average backpacker most people spend no more than 2 days in a place take the pictures do the experience on offer and fuck off to the next place in the guide book. I think we stayed so long because it was just nice relief to get out of the hustle and bustle of Bangkok and of course to get some serious beach time. We spent hours lounging on the golden sand and splashing around in the sea whenever we overheated (this turned out to be every 10 minutes being pasty Brits). The beach was full of western tourists sunning it up and an equal amount of Thai people trying to earn a living by convincing you to have a ride on their deadly horse, buy their juicy fruit or simply have a manicure. The Thai lifestyle here does seem very appealing to me. The people that don’t take their trade to the beach, spend their time cruising in a tuc tuc, if they haven’t got any business for a while they will park up on the side jump in their mates tuc tuc and chat away listening to music. They seemed very chilled and aren’t that bothered if you turn down their ‘special tourist rate’ offer in a tuc tuc they will simply just let you pass by and wait for the next rich lazy tourist.

I’ve got to mention the Night markets in Hua Hin probably the best attraction. At 6pm the high street transform into a buzzing shopping street. The atmosphere is what we liked everyone just has a snail pase and mooches from stall to stall. We stumbled across a little cocktail bar the guy who runs it was called Johnny well this is what we could make out it was more likely to be something like Chang-lee. We spent most nights sitting in his bar sipping on his cocktails listening to his well chosen music and occasionally hearing snippets of his life in Thailand. His girlfriend worked in the kitchen at the other end of the market and his little 2 year old roamed freely back and forth from each stall.

One night we ventured into the main bit of Hua Hin where we discovered what could only be described as old wrinkly rich man’s heaven. The street was full of Thai girls in their smallest tightest dresses they owned overly flirting with all the gorping passer by’s. Poor old Scottish didn’t stand a chance; if you don’t look rich you don’t get anything.

Koh Tao (Turtle Island)
After only staying on Koh Tao for 3 days I can safely say that I had experienced Island life (minus the hideous drunken night life part that everyone raves about). We spent 3 nights in a beautiful resort called Tropicana, well I say beautiful it suggests this in the photos but when you look a little closer you seem to find the cracks. Like the toilet that doesn’t flush, an army of mosquitoes hovering outside your door waiting to feast on your flesh, a not so open friendly door and a shower that refuses to get warm. But hey its Thailand and at 300B per night you can’t complain.

On the first day we hired mopeds, we were getting tired of all the Thai men constantly asking us “Hey where you go, I take you in my taxi” we wanted to reply with “we’ve got our own wheels thanks” and that’s what we did. Out of all of us the Scottish took great delight to this response and carried on strolling up the street with a slight cheeky grin on his face.

This was probably one of our best days, it was brilliant being able to cruise around at your own leisure, soaking up the culture as you whizz through all the little villages. After numerous visits to the west side of the island we decided to find out what the East side had to offer. With a quick glimpse at a rough Thai map we set off with confidence. It wasn’t long until this so found confidence began to get less and less as we found ourselves speeding up a very steep hill with road signs displaying Lorries tipping over. The road we were on suddenly go a lot worse, going from smooth tarmac to a very rocky surface that potentially only a 4x4 could get over. In front of us we saw 3 overweight English guys trying to make decision weather to go for it or not. With no hesitation the Scottish sped up while the English gripped his shoulders for dear life. Mean while I was cruising shortly behind shouting to end this death trail, but in sheer thrill and fear they couldn’t hear me so I had no other choice than to carry on. After a good 10 minutes of scrambling down a mountain side wobbling from side to side we came to a mutual decision to stop in a lay by rather than topple to our deaths down the mountain side.

Not long after we stopped the 3 English guys turned up with the same impression on their faces. Right their we’d made the beginning of a horror story stupid English tourists wanting to get off the beaten track and end up with their limbs in a Thai green curry. As British people do we began to humor the situation and all strangely found comfort in this. After much umming and arring we all decided to pick up the courage to climb back up the mountain side. It went surprisingly well with only a few minor slips and wheel spins.

Culture Clash- That evening the Scottish took his moped in seek of a flushable toilet , about 30 minutes later he returned with a very shocked look on his face . Me and the English both reacted immediately to his expressive face asked him what was wrong. He was reluctant to tell us at first but with much encouragement he began to spill. He ventured out for a toilet in a nearby restaurant however he hadn’t noticed there was no flush on this toilet either until it was too late and done his deed. In utter panic of humiliation he asked one of the restaurant staff quite innocently where’s the flush? She replied “mister there is no flush you must get rid”. He took this into account and returned into the toilet to ’get rid’. He decided the best option was to use a pair of tongs that were hanging on the wall pluck his pooh out of the toilet and deposit it in a small bin in the corner of the room. Feeling quite content that he managed this yet embarrassed that the lady had to inform him on the toilet etiquette he sped off sharply. Later on we got talking to a Scottish girl that lived on the island; she told us that in actual fact you’re meant to use the accessible hose pipe attached to the wall to fill the toilet up so it drains out. We all found this hilariously funny and rolled around the floor in stitches.

On our last day on the island we decided we would take a good old tourist trip and pay for the all day snorkeling trip offered in our resort. It was advertised with all these pictures of bright colorful fish, sipping champagne on the deck and feasting on a banquet with the most attractive man ive ever seen. It definitely wasn’t like that.

They picked us up at 8am put us in the back of a truck with some other confused tourists and took us to the harbor to get kitted up and board the boat. Bearing in mind there was about 80 people on the boat each paying 600B so there making 48000B a day which is roughly nearly 1000ponds each trip. One of the selling points was having a chance to snorkel at shark island, this conjured up many thrilling images but only to found out “ladies and gents im sorry but we cannot visit shark island today…urgh the sea is too too rough” the sea was flatter than a pancake blatantly they never visit shark island do they. Throughout that day we visited about 4 different bays each time not seeing much more than a clown fish if your goggles weren’t filling up with water every time you put your head under . I was a bit disappointed however I felt better looking forward to the glorious banquet that they were preparing down stairs. Wrong again, it turned out to be an all for all brawl of scrapping for pieces of fruit and crumbled biscuits. By the end of the day I couldn’t wait to get off my stomach was growling, my eyes were so saw from all the water in my goggles and the mascara had run all down my face and to top it off id burnt my face.

Koh Pha Ngan
The most famous place for partying in South East Asia, although I didn’t experience a full moon party there it didn’t feel like party central to me it felt like the end season on Magaluf, very tacky and has adapted too much to Western culture. English breakfasts are advised more than Thai food. Every business caters for tourism, souvenirs, full moon party clothes English cuisine and cheap onward travel tickets.

Despite the tackiness I did manage to have a good time. The first night we stayed at a secret hut up in the mountain. The owner was a middle aged Thai man who never wore a t-shirt; he came across very humble and welcomed us with open arms (probably because he hadn’t had any other guests stay there in the last 5 years). We stayed in little wooden huts which were idyllic.

After being at the hut one day we decided we better go and venture to the party side of the island as everyone raves about it. We ended up partying hard like the rest of them…buckets after buckets’, sheesha’s and hours of dancing like idiots on the sandy dance floor. The English decided to party a little different to the rest of us. To everyone who didn’t know her it looked like she had taken copious amounts of drugs but in actual fact I think she was just having an outburst of freedom and a bit too much vodka. The next morning we woke up with severe hangovers but felt privileged to have one in Koh pghan Ngan.

Id like to note that I met the coolest dog ever in Koh Pha Ngan , he was wearing a an off the shoulder black and white t-shirt and had the arrogance of a gangster. I took a picture of him and will remember him for a long time.

That’s about it for the best bits in Koh Pha Ngan, can’t say I miss it or would ever want to go back but im glad I experienced it.

Koh Samui
We arrived at Koh Samui in the middle of a monsoon so I can’t say my fist impression of the island was that great. The streets were flooded with brown muddy water and it was just chaos all around. We quickly found some accommodation to shelter from the hideous rainstorm. The rain lasted about 2 more days, we spend these days in numerous cafes sipping coffee and staring at each others miserable faces.


After the rain cleared up we began to explore the island. We were situated in Chaweng which is ‘where its meant to be’. It was a very long street with everything you ever need. Again very touristy but what I did like about where we were staying is that we were right next to a Cabaret show. This show was on every night at 10.30pm. The Cabaret dancers were either, straight woman, gay men or lady boys which we all found very difficult to work out who was who. The first time we saw the show we were innocently strolling past to go back to our room when a very forceful lady boy enticed us in with free entry. We sat down felt slightly awkward clapped a bit and walked out. The following night we returned intoxicated which was a much better idea thoroughly enjoyed it and even met the stars at the end of the show.

The Scottish’s birthday happened to fall when we were in Koh samui so he celebrated in style; a traditional elephant trek a thrilling ride on a jet ski and dinner on the beach. Being allergic to oyster sauce it did surprise me when he chose nearly every possible fishy dish on the menu but hey he’s still here.

Waterfall wading- We did begin to feel like any other tourist in Thailand so one day we decided we wanted to have a little adventure, we got on our mopeds and drove to the deepest part of the jungle where we came to a little woman in a hut directing us to a waterfall. Seeing the waterfall was pretty breath taking but we wanted a little more so we started to climb…we climbed for a good few hours over boulders falling into rock pools, clinging on to slippery vines venturing up rushing waterfalls, the likeliness of getting bitten or stung by a poisonous creature or catching a jungle disease was quite high but it didn’t seem to enter our heads. We then found ourselves in front of a 40ft waterfall stuck. This is when the arguing began shall we go up, shall we go round, shall we go back? We eventually decided to climb up the vertical cliff at the side clinging on to roots that could snap at any minute. A good 20minutes later we found our self at the top covered in mud and mosquito bites and desperate for a drink. Maybe it is better to be like every other tourist…

My lesson learnt journey to Bangkok!
When finding out it would only cost 650B to get back to Bangkok we jumped at the chance especially the tight Scott. Setting off at 12pm and arriving the following morning at 5am. The journey was surprisingly pleasant, English films, reclining seats, toilet stops, the bus was rammed with tourists just like us. We slept most of the way as it was the middle of the night. At 4.45am the atmosphere changed, the bus came to a holt, a Thai man shook me on the shoulder and informed us in a stern way ‘Bangkok get off’ within 4 minutes everyone was off and the bus had disappeared. The next encounter was all the persuasive taxi men insisting you get in there taxi. We were too tired to argue and just got in a taxi to Koh san road which we then discovered was just round the corner. We got out and still in a sleepy haze we found some low budget accommodation. When it came to pay to stay in this place that can only be described as a prison cell (1 rock hard bed, no bedding, 1 barred window and a vile over pouring smell) that’s when it hit me Fuck! I’ve been robbed!! 900B gone and both my credit cards. The cheeky bastards’ must have gone into my bag while I was sleeping. I’m more of a half glass full kind of person so I just put it down to experience and got in touch with back home to send me some money.

It only gets worse
After a few days trying to organize money wiring and new bank cards we decide to have a bit of a party in koh san road for some stress relief. The worst idea ever! I should probably mention that me and The Scottish had been arguing a lot over the last couple of weeks, mostly about stupid things like using all my shampoo or losing the birthday present I bought for him. Well this night, we were both under the influence of lethal vodka buckets , stressed and tired which isn’t the best cocktail for a night out.

We met a couple of Frenchies and decided to tag along with them for the night and a great excuse to speak drunken French. We spent most the night in a live music bar continuing to drink and drink..after one too many the Scottish had his drunken face and dance moves on full display so we both decided to call it a night while the English was happy to party until the morning.

On our way back to the hostel we were squabbling at something pretty pointless when the Scottish decided to take a leak right there on the street because he possibly couldn’t wait 30 seconds longer to use a the hostels toilet. I told him that’s probably not the best idea but he carried on regardless. Mid flow he was shocked to find a Thai police mans hand gripping onto his shoulder instructing him to get inside. The Scottish didn’t notice but he was in actual fact taking a whizz on a Holy Temple.

This policeman was having none of it the only words he would say was get inside over and over again so we had no choice other than to follow his instructions. They sat the Scottish down while I quivered in the corner with tears streaming down my face, I’ve watched to many banged up abroad to think realistically about the situation. The Scottish was furious, stupidly repeating I haven’t done anything. After he’d written down all his information (ironically his surname is Templeton, I think the police thought he was taking the piss) and much telling off they decided there’s no point putting this silly tourist in jail let’s just get as much cash as we can out of him. We left with a 2000B fine and a lifelong fear of Temples.

Last stop until the attack of the panic
Having a shit time in Bangkok we headed to Vang Vieng ,Laos. I can safely say here is where my slight anxiety problem got a hell of a lot worse. Still with no way of getting any of my own bank cards or money through, discovering 3 isnt the best number to travel in and a relationship at a make or break stage things weren’t boding well.

I ended up staying there for 2 days…emotion and anxiety took over and I fled the country back to a welcoming family happy to see me return with not so much as a freckle.

To round it all up…an eye opening trip with lots of stories a few more pins on my travel map and a realisation that the traveling lifestyle isn’t for me.