It was early Summer, 2009. We had been talking about going to New York City since our senior year of high school in 2007. We fell out of touch during our first years of college but came back together with the promise of this wonderful trip. Amanda had been to NYC twice already but it was to be my first time. We had to drive the two hours to Cleveland to catch our flight (tickets were cheaper). The ride was fairly uneventful but for our excitement. We were there early and had fun milling about the airport. Finally our gate opened. We boarded and all was well. We landed happily in Philadelphia for our connecting flight to NYC. That’s when we saw it. The Wright Brothers plane. The thing was small and looked like it had seen many long winters. Once inside the tin can we began to really get scared. I could literally see through the back wall. The seats were crappy and it was extremely loud. Amanda grabbed my arm with a look of terror I have only seen twice (the other time on a state fair swinging boat ride). And we were off into the sky. Thankfully the flight was only about 30 minutes and we arrived alive to our shock and horror.
Not ten minutes off the plane we witness the tail end of a corpse being scrapped off the concrete. To those of you that have been to New York you know the bus ride from La Guardia to Midtown is an hour long tour of beautiful Harlem. And the aforementioned corpse must have been crossing against the light. We laughed. The bus continued undaunted. We got off the bus a bit early and had to walk for about 45 minutes to find our hostel. Lugging our [sh#t] all the way. We found our hostel eventually and checked in. We went to sleep almost immediately.
I must warn you now the rest of our trip is a lesson in bodily functions. Stop now if you are squeamish.
We wanted to be a little touristy. So our first big stop after hitting Grand Central and Penn station was The Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. The ferry ride was cold but thrilling. Looking out at the ocean was inspiring and beautiful. We made it there and had a blast. We took pictures by the statue and looked at all the exhibits on Ellis Island. Everything went well until we were waiting for the ferry back. Like everything we do something inevitably goes wrong. Amanda likes Juicy Couture. I don’t know why, I find it repulsive, but she always carries her juicy bag. As we stood waiting a lovely New York seagull decided to [sh#t], right into her hair and on her bag. I of course hadn’t noticed so she looks at me and asks in a dead voice, “Did a bird just [sh#t] in my hair?” I look and of course the answer was yes. She then demanded I give her my hoodie to wipe it off. I said no. She started to scream about how if a bird [sh#t] in my hair she’d give me her hoodie. I replied there are napkins at the food place. She asked why I had to be logical. We got napkins and cleaned her hair we then made it on to the ferry and back to the city.
As we traveled back to our hostel on the subway we found ourselves alone in a car with an Asian tranny. He had an epic swoop hair cut and beautiful high heels. We were in awe. He pulled out a subway sandwich and began to nibble at it. He would chew gently and spit some pieces out. We watched as if jesus was before us eating the last supper. Suddenly the tranny sneezed. It wasn’t a loud sneeze, or a normal sneeze. It was tiny and high pitched. I giggled a bit. Very quietly. Amanda then caught it and smiled. Then as we composed ourselves, another sneeze, and another. The subway train stopped under Central Park and he continued to sneeze every few seconds. We were almost in tears laughing. Amanda then began to remark about the bird [sh#t] incident. So at least the poor guy wouldn’t think we were laughing at him, and retaliate by stabbing us to death. We fed off of each other and were shrieking with laughter by the end.
Back at the hostel we showered and went to bed, but sleep wouldn’t come so I suggested a smoke. We went outside and chilled under some scaffolding. Suddenly a man appeared. He looked to be mid-forties, slightly balding, but physically fit. Not bad but not particularly great. He began to talk to us. He said he worked in the city riding the bikes that pull fat tourists around. All was fine until he wouldn’t leave us alone. He, like many, thought we were twins, or sisters, or lesbians. This is apparently is very hot. And he also thought we were “[f#cking] hilarious”. Whatever. It got old and we said we were tired. He proclaimed, You want to [f#cking] relax?” We were confused, so he repeated, “You want to [f#ck] and relax?” Oh dear, a miss communication. Yes we would like to go up to your hostel room, full of fourteen men, [f#ck] you and then relax. Sure dude. [F#cking] creeper. We half-heartedly laughed and got the [f#ck] out of there. He continued to try and talk to us the whole trip but we dodged him.
The next morning bright and early we set out for the Museums. We started with the Museum of Sex. It was wonderful and fun. We took stupid pictures bent over in front of sex machines and squeezing fake [breasts]. We were watching movies about the history of porn and sex in the wild. Then we left and went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Amanda and I have both been Art History majors at one point or another and we love art. So this was the best part of our trip. For many reasons. We saw all kinds of statues and paintings. I got to see The Temptation of St. Anthony, one of my favorite pieces. We got tired and my feet hurt so we went down to the food court to get something cheap. I got a cupcake and Amanda got a brownie. We usually sit in the back but, due to tiredness, sat in the front near the checkout. An older woman, about sixty came out of the line behind me and stopped dead center. And we heard it. The loudest, wettest fart I have ever personally heard. It echoed. A second passed and then we both pitched forward with the force of our laughter. It exploded out of us like a canon. As I lay on the table seizing with laughter Amanda saw it. A liquid, brown puddle where the woman had been standing. She had not farted, no, she had shat. And then calmly walked over to a booth, sat down and consumed her meal. This was too much. We laughed so long and so hard we both managed to piss a little as we watched other patron slip in the sludge. It was great. We ran from the bathroom to the stairwell where we called a friend back home and managed to choke out the story through our tears. It still stands as the funniest moment of our lives.
Later after the laughing subsided we decided to go to Times Square. It was epic. The lights, the signs, and the people. A never ending fight of pushing and shoving just to get to the next over priced [sh#t] souvenir shack. As we walked and walked eating pizza and relishing in the wonder of the city we passed a bent over man. Not a step past him he reared up and projectile vomited. It flew from the edge of the sidewalk to the street. It was revolting. We continued down the street not at all deterred. We then saw a police horse. It was gigantic and I pointed, “Aww a horse!” And almost immediately, like a slap in the face, it began to piss. Its stream was like a great waterfall, strong and steady, flooding the entire street beneath it. We got hungry again and being poor we went to McDonalds. As we ate our processed meat product sandwiched and never decomposing fries Amanda had to piss. She went into the bathroom and returned rather quickly. She didn’t sit down or even speak. She just stood there with the “something –horrible-has-happened-but-it’s-funny” look on her face. I asked her what happened. She replied,”I started my period in my pants.” We laughed loudly and packed up our [sh#t] rushing back to the hostel.
That night at the hostel we turned in early. A new woman had shown up and was in the room asleep. I was just drifting off when Amanda whispered, “Do you hear that?” “What?” I replied. I then listened and heard it, snoring. It wasn’t a steady snore though. Every so often it was a wheeze or a whistle or a gasp. Never just a steady snore. Now that she brought my attention to it I couldn’t ignore it. I cursed her existence and she laughed. We dealt with it as well as possible but it was hell. Around three a.m. the woman awoke and began meditating. It was the most stereotypical mediating I have ever seen. Ohhhmm ohhhmm ohhmmm. For almost an hour we lay there listening. Then she slept again with the snoring. Then awaken she would and meditate again she did. We were almost insane.
The last night there we went back to Times Square. We ate at Hard Rock and posed by the Abbey Road doors. Amanda nearly got half her body ripped off by some woman and we were in a fuming mood when we heard a shout we hear quite often. “Twins!” We wondered why people had to be so stupid. We dye our hair this color red. And our faces don’t look alike. But whatever we had little choice but to turn around. It was a relatively young black guy coming at us. He sat down and we explained that we aren’t twins. He proceeded to tell us all about his rap band. He had a name like “Tooth Pain” or “Painless” or something of that nature. He rapped with his cousin, Andrew. It was somewhat funny and we said we’d check out his myspace so he would go away. We continued walking and as we stood at a corner a man behind me asked if I needed a new bag. I said no and he said I quote, “You need new bag? You need new shoes? You need new boyfriend? I be your husband, I buy you elephant.” We darted across the street nearly losing consciousness from laughing so hard. We returned to the hostel to sleep, we were heading home the next day.
We arrived at the airport two hours early; we had heard bad things about New York airports. The airport was unnaturally empty and annoyance was felt. But we drank pop and read a little as we waited. We boarded our plane for Philadelphia, unfortunately a delay due to the toilet not working and their slow ass repairs left us super late. We then missed or connecting flight in Philly. Displeased as all hell we headed to the US Airways service desk. The people who work there have the IQ of cat [sh#t] so the process was difficult and time consuming. We couldn’t get a flight out and we were forced to stay the night in Springfield, Pennsylvania. Which I’m sure has more than one hotel, a Burger King and fifty-two car dealerships, we just didn’t see them. We took an airport bus to the hotel, but the van quickly filled with pilots and stewardesses who couldn’t shut the [f#ck] up about how they hated being discriminated against because hotels know they get there rooms for cheap. So they give them smoking rooms. We ate at the Burger King and walked around a bit. People stared at us like they’ve never seen people walking before. We hung out in the hotel and jumped on the beds. We then went to the diner connected to the hotel and ate pie. Then we heard the screeching tones of a bad lounge singer. It was like a movie. She stumbled through many of the classic beloved songs of the seventies and eighties before we had enough and retired to bed. The next morning we proceeded to the airport and managed to get on our flight. All was well until we landed in Columbus. No one was there to pick us up. Amanda spent twenty minutes screaming at her mother for not making it clear to our friend Seth that he needed to pick us up. She could only respond with her own anger about Amanda not answering her phone...On the plane... Where they tell you to turn off your phone. But we made it home eventually.
All in all the trip was wonderful. Yeah we had to wade through, [sh#t], piss, vomit, blood, and snot, but it was all worth it! :)
New York City: A Lesson in Bodily Functions
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